A New View

A few weeks ago my husband went in for some more tests and we were surprised to hear that the Dr ordered an MRI.  Apparently they are concerned that there may be a growth on his pituitary gland that could be impacting his hormone levels - causing our infertility.  As relieved as I was that there might be a solution to our problem I was also overcome with the fear that there might be something wrong inside my husbands head.  I was shocked to realize that throughout all our tests it never even occurred to me that there might actually be something wrong with us, causing us not to be able to have children.  I feel ashamed that I didn't think of this sooner.  We are still waiting for the test results to come back, but I can honestly say that this has changed my outlook on this whole process.  I have been completely ignoring parts of my life, blinding myself to everything else aside from becoming a mother.  While I still dream of becoming a mother, I have become increasingly aware that I live a blessed life and should be thankful for the love I do have in my husband.  Infertility can tear your heart apart so it is important to focus on the good.

The Sound of Silence...

      I cannot tell you how many times I've heard "cherish the time you have without kids, you're house will never be quite again...".  When ever I hear someone say this I usually internally role my eyes and smile.  It was not until a recent visit to my best friends house that I experienced the sounds that a two year old can fill a house with- but here's the thing...  it was fabulous.  I know what you're thinking, and no I'm not delusional, but sitting here in my silent house has become a painful experience.  Those of you who are in the midst of raising your child you may be rolling your eyes at me, but the most saddening part about being back at my house after a week in toddler-world was the silence.  There is no shriek of excitement when I walk into a room, no banging on the coffee table, no toys gibbering incoherently, no partially comprehendable questions... there's nothing.   We've taken to playing music almost all of the time when we're home just to fill the space.  It's not that we don't talk, of course we do- honestly we're closer than ever, but it's not what we're looking for.  I feel like it's strange that the absence of something can contain so much heartache, and yet- day after day it's exactly that.

The good news is that we're slowly getting closer to our goal of being able to do a complete IVF cycle, so maybe that sweet noise isn't too far off after all...!

Keep in Mind...

I know it's been a while since my last post...  I haven't really had anything worth posting about, but I feel like I do now...

     If you have watched TV, been online, or walked through a store lately you know that Father's Day is coming up.  We dealt with Mother's Day last month, which was rough, but I had Martin to vent to and my mom visited and we had a fun day.  I feel like Fathers day is a little bit different...  mostly because the pain of infertility is often thought of as an issue that women experience and men just comfort the women, but I've noticed lately that men feel the hurt too.  They may not show it as much, the tears and angry outbursts seem to be more my thing, but I can see that the years of infertility are starting to get to my husband too.  He doesn't have to say anything for me to know that he's hurting... there's the painful silence that follows a Hallmark fathers day commercial, the way he squeezes my hand when we walk by a babies r us, or the irritation he exudes after reading a story about neglectful parents in the news.  As painful as Mothers Day was for me, and believe me it was rough, I had people who were ready and accepting of my tears and anger.  So, if you know a couple who is experiencing infertility this Fathers Day keep them in mind, be sensitive to their struggle.  And for all those fathers who do have something to celebrate this holiday- Happy Fathers day.  Never take for granted the miracle that is your child.

The Emotions of Using a Donor

I got this article off of another blog that I follow and I thought that it was so well written and such an important topic that I had to share... Here's the link to that blog as well:   http://www.bloggersforhope.com/

 

The Emotions of Using a Donor

One thing that my husband and I have dealt with when deciding to use donor sperm was the emotional decision.  It's much more than just choosing a donor.  There is a huge emotional process you go through just to get to the point of deciding that was what we wanted to pursue.

The emotional process is important whether you are considering donor sperm or donor eggs.

Some things to consider are:
Give yourself time to grieve your loss of a genetic connection to your child.
This was an important part of the process for us.  We felt we couldn't move forward until we had come to terms with the grief associated with losing part of that genetic connection.  It is still something that comes up from time to time.  Recently we were out to dinner and I saw a father walk past with his young son.  The son was a mini-me of his father.  And my heart just broke that Ike would not be able to experience this.

Take the time to realize that you and your partner are creating a child who is unique to your family and would not be created if not for your love for each other.
This is so true.  Every child is a unique creation.

Read what the donor has to say about herself and choose someone who you can relate to.
This was important to us.  One of the factoring decisions for us when we chose our last donor was reading the essays he wrote on why he wanted to be a sperm donor.  It really spoke to us.  We felt he was someone we could connect with and we were moved by his words.

Don't try to replace yourself; you can't. You are unique, just as every donor is unique.
It is so important to remember that you won't find a perfect replacement for your genetics.  You are trying to add to your family and not look for exact genetics.

Tell or Don't Tell?
Something we struggled with was whether or not to share with our families that we were using a donor to help conceive a child.  For us, we chose to only tell a certain few people.  Our parents, a few close friends, and a couple of other close family members.  It wasn't because we were ashamed that we were using a donor, but it was because we felt it was our future child's story and they should tell it. 

Some people choose to be very open with the fact they are using a donor.  It really depends on your personal preference.  Every situation is different.  In the end, you have to do what you feel is best for your family.T

Closer than we were yesterday...

My best friend recently sent me a card that was filled with all kinds of inspirational quotes and they really helped me, so I thought I'd share some of them with you all...  hopefully they help someone else out too...

"Courage is going from failure to failure without loosing enthusiasm..."

~Churchill

"Fail seven times, get up eight..."

~Japanese Proverb

"Our greatest glory is not in failure, but in rising every time we fail..."

 ~Emerson

"It's going to be okay in the end.  If it's not okay, it's not the end..."

 ~Unknown

"I may not be there yet, but I am closer than I was yesterday..."

~Emerson

That last one is my favorite, I've taken to repeating it to myself quite a few times a day...  Anyways, I hope that helps someone out there, I know they've been great for me to have in the back of my mind over the past few weeks...

Building Resolve

        Unfortunately, infertility often gets swept under the rug and is even embarrassing to talk about for some people.  Often, because it isn't talked about frequently, health care benefits don't cover treatments and most companies don't cover IVF at all.  Fortunately, a group has assembled in hopes of getting infertility awareness into the mainstream and to begin fertility treatment coverage, including IVF, offered to all.  This group is called RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association.  In honor of Infertility Awareness Week (April 22-28th) I wanted to bring this group up.  They are doing lots of great things for couples going through the struggles of infertility.  They offer support groups, adoption support, they offer financial assistance when they can, and they're an excellent resource for any one going through this.  I have recently found that they have a support group close to my home and I am looking forward to meeting a group of people who are feeling the same as I am. 

        Another thing I really like about this group is that they have resources for men.  All too often infertility is thought of something that only effects the woman, but words cannot describe how painful it is to see my husband hurting through all of this as well.  Many times men feel that they have to be strong while they hold their wife as she cries at the end of yet another failed cycle, I know my husband has got that role down pat. Sometimes I have to take a step back and remember that this is his journey too, this is his pain.  He gets jealous just like me, he avoids the spare bedroom just like me.  Resolve recognizes this and they offer support for men too.  If you are not familiar with this group I would highly recommend doing a little research.  Sometimes just knowing there's a group of people out there pulling for you can give you strength. 

http://www.resolve.org/

~A Hand to Hold~

It's been a while since I've posted- I slipped into a pretty dark place for a little while, but I'm back now...  the sun is shining, a breeze is blowing, and things are looking up!  I don't have anything super significant to write about, but I wanted to touch on one thing that I think is important when going through a trying time... and that is a support system.  As painful as this has been for me, I can't imagine how much more difficult it would be to go through it alone...  I am fortunate enough to have multiple people in my life that care, but there are so many that don't...

One of our first sunny days here in
Washington State in a while...

To be honest, I'm not even just talking about infertility- any scary, painful experience will do.  No one should have to go through a trial alone... This has been weighing heavy on my heart lately...  So, if you're reading this and you know someone that is going through a challenge, I encourage you to reach out to them.  It might seem like a small gesture, but to them it could mean the world.