We went to the zoo today! I have, in the past, avoided places like the zoo because it is notoriously a place for young children. I was afraid my jealousy would ruin our outing, but once I gave myself a little pep talk and focused on my time with Martin, we had a really great time. Part of me feels almost guilty for enjoying myself so much today, I have spent the last 3 1/2 years focused on making our twosome a threesome... But mostly I feel blessed to have such a wonderful husband, and it makes me excited to bring our baby into a family so filled with love some day.
Saturday, January 28, 2012
A different type of leap..
As a woman struggling with infertility it is inevitable, unless I live under a rock, that I will come into contact with pregnant women and young children on a daily basis. Most days the mere sight of a pregnant woman triggers my jealousy and seeing a baby makes me long for the day when I have a sweet baby of my own. Lately, I've been introduced to the idea of "leap lists". A leap list is a list of things you would like to accomplish before the next big event in life occurs (weddings, babies, etc...) The idea of a leap list seems like a fun way to accomplish certain goals before they get lost in life. I don't really have a leap list, but thinking about the things I would like to accomplish makes me think of all the things I may be missing because I am too fixated on our infertility mess that we've found ourselves in. So, I've decided, while my #1 goal is still to have a baby of my own a.s.a.p., I am going to enjoy my time with my husband. I don't want to wish away our time together. So, today I took my first step...
We went to the zoo today! I have, in the past, avoided places like the zoo because it is notoriously a place for young children. I was afraid my jealousy would ruin our outing, but once I gave myself a little pep talk and focused on my time with Martin, we had a really great time. Part of me feels almost guilty for enjoying myself so much today, I have spent the last 3 1/2 years focused on making our twosome a threesome... But mostly I feel blessed to have such a wonderful husband, and it makes me excited to bring our baby into a family so filled with love some day.
We went to the zoo today! I have, in the past, avoided places like the zoo because it is notoriously a place for young children. I was afraid my jealousy would ruin our outing, but once I gave myself a little pep talk and focused on my time with Martin, we had a really great time. Part of me feels almost guilty for enjoying myself so much today, I have spent the last 3 1/2 years focused on making our twosome a threesome... But mostly I feel blessed to have such a wonderful husband, and it makes me excited to bring our baby into a family so filled with love some day.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Inspiration
I have always been a pretty musical person... I usually find I can express what I'm feeling through a song of some sort... There is one song specifically that has gotten me through this journey this far... in fact, I named this blog after it. I thought I'd share the song as it can probably fit in to anyone's situation and it always gives me a little extra push to get through the rough times...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u1JBSQMkQEo&ob=av2e
I also wanted to include the lyrics in my post because, to me, they're the most important part.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u1JBSQMkQEo&ob=av2e
I also wanted to include the lyrics in my post because, to me, they're the most important part.
Everybody falls sometimes
Gotta find the strength to rise
From the ashes and make a new beginning
Anyone can feel the ache
You think it’s more than you can take
But you're stronger, stronger than you know
Don’t you give up now
The sun will soon be shining
You gotta face the clouds
To find the silver lining
I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do
It doesn’t matter what you’ve heard
Impossible is not a word
It’s just a reason for someone not to try
Everybody’s scared to death
When they decide to take that step
Out on the water
It’ll be alright
Life is so much more
Than what your eyes are seeing
You will find your way
If you keep believing
I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do
Overcome the odds
You don't have a chance
When the world says you can’t
It’ll tell you that you can!
I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do
That's what faith can do!
Even if you fall sometimes
You will have the strength to rise
Gotta find the strength to rise
From the ashes and make a new beginning
Anyone can feel the ache
You think it’s more than you can take
But you're stronger, stronger than you know
Don’t you give up now
The sun will soon be shining
You gotta face the clouds
To find the silver lining
I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do
It doesn’t matter what you’ve heard
Impossible is not a word
It’s just a reason for someone not to try
Everybody’s scared to death
When they decide to take that step
Out on the water
It’ll be alright
Life is so much more
Than what your eyes are seeing
You will find your way
If you keep believing
I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do
Overcome the odds
You don't have a chance
When the world says you can’t
It’ll tell you that you can!
I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do
That's what faith can do!
Even if you fall sometimes
You will have the strength to rise
Friday, January 20, 2012
Snowy Days
For the last week Washington State has been in the middle of a huge ice/snow storm which has meant a lot of time inside, which means plenty of time to research. I have discovered many resources for couples experiencing infertility over the years, but this is the first time in a while I've had long, extended periods of time to really explore them.
As far as researching facts, I've pretty much got that part covered... I don't think there is one more book, pamphlet, or article that could tell me something I don't already know... But what i did find this week was inspiring stories and research that is currently being done on the subject. A friend emailed me this article about some exciting research that is being done with male infertility:
http://todayhealth.today.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2012/01/19/10191182-miracle-baby-born-from-single-frozen-sperm
I love stories like this because they reassure my heart that miracles do happen. I was raised to believe that every baby is a blessing and a miracle, but I feel like the family in this article truly experienced a miracle. When people think about infertility it is easy to think of it as just a woman's issue, but articles like this remind us that male infertility is an issue as well, and research like this, while few and far between at times, is key.
During my extended research sessions I also came across a site run by Conceive Magazine where they often post articles specific to couples struggling with infertility. I found this article particularly interesting because it addresses a huge concern I have when it comes to IVF...
http://www.conceiveonline.com/articles/doing-embryo-transfer-what-may-help-you-avoid-miscarriage
I could go on and on posting millions of links that I've found helpful in the past few days, but I've been sitting at the computer for a while now and the fresh snow is calling my name...
As far as researching facts, I've pretty much got that part covered... I don't think there is one more book, pamphlet, or article that could tell me something I don't already know... But what i did find this week was inspiring stories and research that is currently being done on the subject. A friend emailed me this article about some exciting research that is being done with male infertility:
http://todayhealth.today.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2012/01/19/10191182-miracle-baby-born-from-single-frozen-sperm
I love stories like this because they reassure my heart that miracles do happen. I was raised to believe that every baby is a blessing and a miracle, but I feel like the family in this article truly experienced a miracle. When people think about infertility it is easy to think of it as just a woman's issue, but articles like this remind us that male infertility is an issue as well, and research like this, while few and far between at times, is key.
During my extended research sessions I also came across a site run by Conceive Magazine where they often post articles specific to couples struggling with infertility. I found this article particularly interesting because it addresses a huge concern I have when it comes to IVF...
http://www.conceiveonline.com/articles/doing-embryo-transfer-what-may-help-you-avoid-miscarriage
I could go on and on posting millions of links that I've found helpful in the past few days, but I've been sitting at the computer for a while now and the fresh snow is calling my name...
Things have gotten so cold here this leaf froze just like this!
brrrr!
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
In the Begining...
Ever since I can remember I've had my life planned out. I have always been very careful and calculated, never wanting to rock the boat. At age 8 I had put together a solid plan to build an extra room on to our house and had even called and gotten estimates from contractors in our area. By the age of 10 I had my wedding planned, complete with a giant binder filled with quotes from florists and certain types of dresses I wanted to look at. When ever I had a goal I got down to business and made it happen. I've been lucky that way, always having a family who believed in me. So, when I met Martin he fit perfectly into my little plan. When he proposed in 2007 I could practically see our life together unfolding in front of us before he had even slipped the ring on my finger. As soon as I got home I got my wedding binder out and began making appointments. It was going to be perfect. Have you ever noticed that when we make plans, God sends us a reminder that He's in charge after all?
Martin and I got married a year later in a perfect garden ceremony surrounded by friends and family. We couldn't wait to start a family of our own and decided that it would be a priority in our lives from then on. When I didn't get pregnant right away we didn't worry too much. I was disappointed, but Martin was strong and reassuring. I remember hearing that a friend from high school was pregnant a few months after our wedding and I was heartbroken. I think that was the first time I caught a glimpse of the pain of infertility. After about a year of trying on our own (it isn't as easy as they say it is in high school health class) my best friend talked me in to talking to my doctor. Hesitantly, I made the appointment and was soon face to face with the reality of our situation. It was hard to get anyone to take us seriously, a 20 year old with infertility issues isn't exactly something people think is an problem. After one particularly uncomfortable appointment I actually had a doctor tell me to "relax and get a kitten". Even now, two years later, thinking of those hurtful words makes me so angry. Eventually, 4 appointments and two doctors later, we got referred to a Fertility Specialist. We met with them the very next week and began testing. Soon we found out that 1 in 6 couples suffer from infertility in the United States and, lucky us, we were one of them. Once we sat down with the specialist they explained to us that we had a 1% chance of conceiving on our own. Needless to say my heart dropped. After a few days of feeling sorry for myself we called the office and made an appointment to go in and talk about our options. They got us in the next day and we laid out a plan. The next 5 months were filled with ovulation tests and early morning trips to the doctors office. We went through 4 cycles in Inter-uterine Insemination (IUI) with no hormone stimulation. After the fourth failed cycle they put me on a drug called Clomid. I was only able to do two cycles with clomid before it took such an emotional toll on me that they decided to take me off of it. After clomid, they gave me one cycle of injectables. So, every night for a week Martin had to give me a shot in my stomach and at the end of the week I went in for the procedure and after the ultra sound they decided they couldn't proceed because I had "hyper-ovulated", which often times results in multiples (triplets, etc...). After that we sat back down with the doctor to reassess our game plan. That was the day InVitro Fertlization (IVF) came into the picture. IVF is a very expensive ($15,000) procedure that is almost never covered by insurance. Unfortunately, after many specialists and second, third, and fourth opinions IVF is our best chance of conceiving a child of our own. That was nearly two years ago. Since then we haven't tried any more procedures, instead we've decided to save our money for IVF.
I am not writing this blog to make anyone feel sorry for us, and I'm not writing to just show our private life to the world. Instead, I am hoping that this blog will follow us through the IVF process and then the pregnancy to follow. It is my hope that if there is anyone else out there going through this heartache that they will read this and find hope in what I have to say. I hope to be the girl that reminds people that
....impossible is not a word, it's just a reason for someone not to try...
Martin and I got married a year later in a perfect garden ceremony surrounded by friends and family. We couldn't wait to start a family of our own and decided that it would be a priority in our lives from then on. When I didn't get pregnant right away we didn't worry too much. I was disappointed, but Martin was strong and reassuring. I remember hearing that a friend from high school was pregnant a few months after our wedding and I was heartbroken. I think that was the first time I caught a glimpse of the pain of infertility. After about a year of trying on our own (it isn't as easy as they say it is in high school health class) my best friend talked me in to talking to my doctor. Hesitantly, I made the appointment and was soon face to face with the reality of our situation. It was hard to get anyone to take us seriously, a 20 year old with infertility issues isn't exactly something people think is an problem. After one particularly uncomfortable appointment I actually had a doctor tell me to "relax and get a kitten". Even now, two years later, thinking of those hurtful words makes me so angry. Eventually, 4 appointments and two doctors later, we got referred to a Fertility Specialist. We met with them the very next week and began testing. Soon we found out that 1 in 6 couples suffer from infertility in the United States and, lucky us, we were one of them. Once we sat down with the specialist they explained to us that we had a 1% chance of conceiving on our own. Needless to say my heart dropped. After a few days of feeling sorry for myself we called the office and made an appointment to go in and talk about our options. They got us in the next day and we laid out a plan. The next 5 months were filled with ovulation tests and early morning trips to the doctors office. We went through 4 cycles in Inter-uterine Insemination (IUI) with no hormone stimulation. After the fourth failed cycle they put me on a drug called Clomid. I was only able to do two cycles with clomid before it took such an emotional toll on me that they decided to take me off of it. After clomid, they gave me one cycle of injectables. So, every night for a week Martin had to give me a shot in my stomach and at the end of the week I went in for the procedure and after the ultra sound they decided they couldn't proceed because I had "hyper-ovulated", which often times results in multiples (triplets, etc...). After that we sat back down with the doctor to reassess our game plan. That was the day InVitro Fertlization (IVF) came into the picture. IVF is a very expensive ($15,000) procedure that is almost never covered by insurance. Unfortunately, after many specialists and second, third, and fourth opinions IVF is our best chance of conceiving a child of our own. That was nearly two years ago. Since then we haven't tried any more procedures, instead we've decided to save our money for IVF.
I am not writing this blog to make anyone feel sorry for us, and I'm not writing to just show our private life to the world. Instead, I am hoping that this blog will follow us through the IVF process and then the pregnancy to follow. It is my hope that if there is anyone else out there going through this heartache that they will read this and find hope in what I have to say. I hope to be the girl that reminds people that
....impossible is not a word, it's just a reason for someone not to try...
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