This week has been a whirlwind of emotions and activities for us. As I sit here now, on a Saturday morning, basking in the elusive Seattle sunshine, I can't help but be thankful that God has gotten me through to this moment. Monday started off like any other Monday, a little bit of a struggle (an on going issue with an employee) but all in all, OK. Tuesday, however, was a bit less conventional...
We began Tuesday with the rude sound of an alarm clock an hour earlier than normal so we could beat traffic and get to our first IVF consultation. In the 45 minutes that it took us to get to the medical office I had chewed off nearly all my fingernails, not a habit I'm particularly proud of... When we got there they had us fill out a mountain of paperwork and then completed a quick health check. After that we were ushered into an office to wait. Soon, we were greeted by our doctor, Dr. Davis. Like I've mentioned in previous posts I've had mixed emotions about our fertility doctors in the past, but Dr. Davis immediately put me at ease. One of the first things out her mouth was, "let's make you a baby". She then asked us our story. She just sat there and listened while Martin and I rattled on and on about our struggle, she was patient with me when I pulled out my binder of test results and vitamin regimens, she handed me a box of tissues when I got the the hard parts. She was all in all, lovely, and she quickly picked up on my need to know every detail before I proceed. After listening to what we had to say, she asked a few questions and explained, in detail, how the IVF process works. She explained what medications I would be taking, how many days each step takes, and how long each procedure takes. She said because of my age we had the best chances possible, a 75% chance of success with each cycle. (a win I desperately needed) The most impactful part didn't come until the end though, when she told me that I could have a picture of my embryos before they're implanted. That's when I fell apart. It was a reaction I didn't expect from myself, I guess the image of me seeing our own baby, just a few days old, really struck the heart of our struggle. I want to know my child from the moment they begin. To imagine being able to
see the blessing of our miracle baby just blew me away. Even now, writing about that moment, makes my stomach flip flop and my heart jump. After talking with Dr. Davis for a while, we were introduced to the financial counselor... this is when the hard part of the day began... It turns out the IVF procedure is about $3000
more than we'd originally been told, in total about $18,000 out of pocket. We both sat at that desk completely heartbroken and hopeless at that moment. We could see our sweet baby slipping farther and farther away from us with every figure the financial counselor set in front of us. After that we were sent to a conference room where a nurse explained, again, what IVF entailed and gave us all our options... Two and half hours later we left the office and slowly made our way to the car. The second the car door closed I, again, fell apart. Even Martin, who almost never lets his colors show when I'm hurting, could only sit there and stroke my hair.
After that moment, my day just spiraled out of control from there...Work got crazier and crazier and I found myself just trying to get through each moment without crying or screaming.
And now, here I am, sitting in the sunshine reassuring myself that God never gives us more than we can handle... sometimes I just wish he didn't trust me so much...
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