A New View

A few weeks ago my husband went in for some more tests and we were surprised to hear that the Dr ordered an MRI.  Apparently they are concerned that there may be a growth on his pituitary gland that could be impacting his hormone levels - causing our infertility.  As relieved as I was that there might be a solution to our problem I was also overcome with the fear that there might be something wrong inside my husbands head.  I was shocked to realize that throughout all our tests it never even occurred to me that there might actually be something wrong with us, causing us not to be able to have children.  I feel ashamed that I didn't think of this sooner.  We are still waiting for the test results to come back, but I can honestly say that this has changed my outlook on this whole process.  I have been completely ignoring parts of my life, blinding myself to everything else aside from becoming a mother.  While I still dream of becoming a mother, I have become increasingly aware that I live a blessed life and should be thankful for the love I do have in my husband.  Infertility can tear your heart apart so it is important to focus on the good.

The Sound of Silence...

      I cannot tell you how many times I've heard "cherish the time you have without kids, you're house will never be quite again...".  When ever I hear someone say this I usually internally role my eyes and smile.  It was not until a recent visit to my best friends house that I experienced the sounds that a two year old can fill a house with- but here's the thing...  it was fabulous.  I know what you're thinking, and no I'm not delusional, but sitting here in my silent house has become a painful experience.  Those of you who are in the midst of raising your child you may be rolling your eyes at me, but the most saddening part about being back at my house after a week in toddler-world was the silence.  There is no shriek of excitement when I walk into a room, no banging on the coffee table, no toys gibbering incoherently, no partially comprehendable questions... there's nothing.   We've taken to playing music almost all of the time when we're home just to fill the space.  It's not that we don't talk, of course we do- honestly we're closer than ever, but it's not what we're looking for.  I feel like it's strange that the absence of something can contain so much heartache, and yet- day after day it's exactly that.

The good news is that we're slowly getting closer to our goal of being able to do a complete IVF cycle, so maybe that sweet noise isn't too far off after all...!

Keep in Mind...

I know it's been a while since my last post...  I haven't really had anything worth posting about, but I feel like I do now...

     If you have watched TV, been online, or walked through a store lately you know that Father's Day is coming up.  We dealt with Mother's Day last month, which was rough, but I had Martin to vent to and my mom visited and we had a fun day.  I feel like Fathers day is a little bit different...  mostly because the pain of infertility is often thought of as an issue that women experience and men just comfort the women, but I've noticed lately that men feel the hurt too.  They may not show it as much, the tears and angry outbursts seem to be more my thing, but I can see that the years of infertility are starting to get to my husband too.  He doesn't have to say anything for me to know that he's hurting... there's the painful silence that follows a Hallmark fathers day commercial, the way he squeezes my hand when we walk by a babies r us, or the irritation he exudes after reading a story about neglectful parents in the news.  As painful as Mothers Day was for me, and believe me it was rough, I had people who were ready and accepting of my tears and anger.  So, if you know a couple who is experiencing infertility this Fathers Day keep them in mind, be sensitive to their struggle.  And for all those fathers who do have something to celebrate this holiday- Happy Fathers day.  Never take for granted the miracle that is your child.

The Emotions of Using a Donor

I got this article off of another blog that I follow and I thought that it was so well written and such an important topic that I had to share... Here's the link to that blog as well:   http://www.bloggersforhope.com/

 

The Emotions of Using a Donor

One thing that my husband and I have dealt with when deciding to use donor sperm was the emotional decision.  It's much more than just choosing a donor.  There is a huge emotional process you go through just to get to the point of deciding that was what we wanted to pursue.

The emotional process is important whether you are considering donor sperm or donor eggs.

Some things to consider are:
Give yourself time to grieve your loss of a genetic connection to your child.
This was an important part of the process for us.  We felt we couldn't move forward until we had come to terms with the grief associated with losing part of that genetic connection.  It is still something that comes up from time to time.  Recently we were out to dinner and I saw a father walk past with his young son.  The son was a mini-me of his father.  And my heart just broke that Ike would not be able to experience this.

Take the time to realize that you and your partner are creating a child who is unique to your family and would not be created if not for your love for each other.
This is so true.  Every child is a unique creation.

Read what the donor has to say about herself and choose someone who you can relate to.
This was important to us.  One of the factoring decisions for us when we chose our last donor was reading the essays he wrote on why he wanted to be a sperm donor.  It really spoke to us.  We felt he was someone we could connect with and we were moved by his words.

Don't try to replace yourself; you can't. You are unique, just as every donor is unique.
It is so important to remember that you won't find a perfect replacement for your genetics.  You are trying to add to your family and not look for exact genetics.

Tell or Don't Tell?
Something we struggled with was whether or not to share with our families that we were using a donor to help conceive a child.  For us, we chose to only tell a certain few people.  Our parents, a few close friends, and a couple of other close family members.  It wasn't because we were ashamed that we were using a donor, but it was because we felt it was our future child's story and they should tell it. 

Some people choose to be very open with the fact they are using a donor.  It really depends on your personal preference.  Every situation is different.  In the end, you have to do what you feel is best for your family.T

Closer than we were yesterday...

My best friend recently sent me a card that was filled with all kinds of inspirational quotes and they really helped me, so I thought I'd share some of them with you all...  hopefully they help someone else out too...

"Courage is going from failure to failure without loosing enthusiasm..."

~Churchill

"Fail seven times, get up eight..."

~Japanese Proverb

"Our greatest glory is not in failure, but in rising every time we fail..."

 ~Emerson

"It's going to be okay in the end.  If it's not okay, it's not the end..."

 ~Unknown

"I may not be there yet, but I am closer than I was yesterday..."

~Emerson

That last one is my favorite, I've taken to repeating it to myself quite a few times a day...  Anyways, I hope that helps someone out there, I know they've been great for me to have in the back of my mind over the past few weeks...

Building Resolve

        Unfortunately, infertility often gets swept under the rug and is even embarrassing to talk about for some people.  Often, because it isn't talked about frequently, health care benefits don't cover treatments and most companies don't cover IVF at all.  Fortunately, a group has assembled in hopes of getting infertility awareness into the mainstream and to begin fertility treatment coverage, including IVF, offered to all.  This group is called RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association.  In honor of Infertility Awareness Week (April 22-28th) I wanted to bring this group up.  They are doing lots of great things for couples going through the struggles of infertility.  They offer support groups, adoption support, they offer financial assistance when they can, and they're an excellent resource for any one going through this.  I have recently found that they have a support group close to my home and I am looking forward to meeting a group of people who are feeling the same as I am. 

        Another thing I really like about this group is that they have resources for men.  All too often infertility is thought of something that only effects the woman, but words cannot describe how painful it is to see my husband hurting through all of this as well.  Many times men feel that they have to be strong while they hold their wife as she cries at the end of yet another failed cycle, I know my husband has got that role down pat. Sometimes I have to take a step back and remember that this is his journey too, this is his pain.  He gets jealous just like me, he avoids the spare bedroom just like me.  Resolve recognizes this and they offer support for men too.  If you are not familiar with this group I would highly recommend doing a little research.  Sometimes just knowing there's a group of people out there pulling for you can give you strength. 

http://www.resolve.org/

~A Hand to Hold~

It's been a while since I've posted- I slipped into a pretty dark place for a little while, but I'm back now...  the sun is shining, a breeze is blowing, and things are looking up!  I don't have anything super significant to write about, but I wanted to touch on one thing that I think is important when going through a trying time... and that is a support system.  As painful as this has been for me, I can't imagine how much more difficult it would be to go through it alone...  I am fortunate enough to have multiple people in my life that care, but there are so many that don't...

One of our first sunny days here in
Washington State in a while...

To be honest, I'm not even just talking about infertility- any scary, painful experience will do.  No one should have to go through a trial alone... This has been weighing heavy on my heart lately...  So, if you're reading this and you know someone that is going through a challenge, I encourage you to reach out to them.  It might seem like a small gesture, but to them it could mean the world.

Infertility Etiquette

A friend sent this to me a few months ago... I thought I'd posted it but I don't see it in my previous posts...  I know it's long but it's more relevant than I can possibly explain... 

 

Infertility Etiquette

Infertility Etiquette
By Vita Alligood

Chances are, you know someone who is struggling with infertility. More than seven million people of childbearing age in the United States experience infertility. Yet, as a society, we are woefully uninformed about how to best provide emotional support for our loved ones during this painful time.

Infertility is, indeed, a very painful struggle. The pain is similar to the grief over losing a loved one, but it is unique because it is a recurring grief. When a loved one dies, he isn't coming back. There is no hope that he will come back from the dead. You must work through the stages of grief, accept that you will never see this person again, and move on with your life.

The grief of infertility is not so cut and dry. Infertile people grieve the loss of the baby that they may never know. They grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes. But, each month, there is the hope that maybe that baby will be conceived after all. No matter how hard they try to prepare themselves for bad news, they still hope that this month will be different. Then, the bad news comes again, and the grief washes over the infertile couple anew. This process happens month after month, year after year. It is like having a deep cut that keeps getting opened right when it starts to heal.

As the couple moves into infertility treatments, the pain increases while the bank account depletes. The tests are invasive and embarrassing to both parties, and you feel like the doctor has taken over your bedroom. And for all of this discomfort, you pay a lot of money.
A couple will eventually resolve the infertility problem in one of three ways:

• They will eventually conceive a baby.
• They will stop the infertility treatments and choose to live without children.
• They will find an alternative way to parent, such as by adopting a child or becoming a foster parent.

Reaching a resolution can take years, so your infertile loved ones need your emotional support during this journey. Most people don't know what to say, so they wind up saying the wrong thing, which only makes the journey so much harder for their loved ones. Knowing what not to say is half of the battle to providing support.

Don't Tell Them to Relax
Everyone knows someone who had trouble conceiving but then finally became pregnant once she "relaxed." Couples who are able to conceive after a few months of "relaxing" are not infertile. By definition, a couple is not diagnosed as "infertile" until they have tried unsuccessfully to become pregnant for a full year. In fact, most infertility specialists will not treat a couple for infertility until they have tried to become pregnant for a year. This year weeds out the people who aren't infertile but just need to "relax." Those that remain are truly infertile.

Comments such as "just relax" or "try going on a cruise" create even more stress for the infertile couple, particularly the woman. The woman feels like she is doing something wrong when, in fact, there is a good chance that there is a physical problem preventing her from becoming pregnant.

These comments can also reach the point of absurdity. As a couple, my husband and I underwent two surgeries, numerous inseminations, hormone treatments, and four years of poking and prodding by doctors. Yet, people still continued to say things like, "If you just relaxed on a cruise . . ." Infertility is a diagnosable medical problem that must be treated by a doctor, and even with treatment, many couples will NEVER successfully conceive a child. Relaxation itself does not cure medical infertility.

Don't Minimize the Problem
Failure to conceive a baby is a very painful journey. Infertile couples are surrounded by families with children. These couples watch their friends give birth to two or three children, and they watch those children grow while the couple goes home to the silence of an empty house. These couples see all of the joy that a child brings into someone's life, and they feel the emptiness of not being able to experience the same joy.

Comments like, "Just enjoy being able to sleep late . . . .travel . . etc.," do not offer comfort. Instead, these comments make infertile people feel like you are minimizing their pain. You wouldn't tell somebody whose parent just died to be thankful that he no longer has to buy Father's Day or Mother's Day cards. Losing that one obligation doesn't even begin to compensate for the incredible loss of losing a parent. In the same vein, being able to sleep late or travel does not provide comfort to somebody who desperately wants a child.

Don't Say There Are Worse Things That Could Happen
Along the same lines, don't tell your friend that there are worse things that she could be going through. Who is the final authority on what is the "worst" thing that could happen to someone? Is it going through a divorce? Watching a loved one die? Getting raped? Losing a job?

Different people react to different life experiences in different ways. To someone who has trained his whole life for the Olympics, the "worst" thing might be experiencing an injury the week before the event. To someone who has walked away from her career to become a stay-at-home wife for 40 years, watching her husband leave her for a younger woman might be the "worst" thing. And, to a woman whose sole goal in life has been to love and nurture a child, infertility may indeed be the "worst" thing that could happen.

People wouldn't dream of telling someone whose parent just died, "It could be worse: both of your parents could be dead." Such a comment would be considered cruel rather than comforting. In the same vein, don't tell your friend that she could be going through worse things than infertility.

Don't Say They Aren't Meant to Be Parents
One of the cruelest things anyone ever said to me is, "Maybe God doesn't intend for you to be a mother." How incredibly insensitive to imply that I would be such a bad mother that God felt the need to divinely sterilize me. If God were in the business of divinely sterilizing women, don't you think he would prevent the pregnancies that end in abortions? Or wouldn't he sterilize the women who wind up neglecting and abusing their children? Even if you aren't religious, the "maybe it's not meant to be" comments are not comforting. Infertility is a medical condition, not a punishment from God or Mother Nature.

Don't Ask Why They Aren't Trying IVF
In vitro fertilization (IVF) is a method in which the woman harvests multiple eggs, which are then combined with the man's sperm in a petri dish. This is the method that can produce multiple births. People frequently ask, "Why don't you just try IVF?" in the same casual tone they would use to ask, "Why don't you try shopping at another store?"

Don't Be Crude
It is appalling that I even have to include this paragraph, but some of you need to hear this-Don't make crude jokes about your friend's vulnerable position. Crude comments like "I'll donate the sperm" or "Make sure the doctor uses your sperm for the insemination" are not funny, and they only irritate your friends.

Don't Complain About Your Pregnancy
This message is for pregnant women-Just being around you is painful for your infertile friends. Seeing your belly grow is a constant reminder of what your infertile friend cannot have. Unless an infertile women plans to spend her life in a cave, she has to find a way to interact with pregnant women. However, there are things you can do as her friend to make it easier.

The number one rule is DON'T COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR PREGNANCY. I understand from my friends that, when you are pregnant, your hormones are going crazy and you experience a lot of discomfort, such as queasiness, stretch marks, and fatigue. You have every right to vent about the discomforts to any one else in your life, but don't put your infertile friend in the position of comforting you.

Your infertile friend would give anything to experience the discomforts you are enduring because those discomforts come from a baby growing inside of you. When I heard a pregnant woman complain about morning sickness, I would think, "I'd gladly throw up for nine straight months if it meant I could have a baby." When a pregnant woman would complain about her weight gain, I would think, "I would cut off my arm if I could be in your shoes."

I managed to go to baby showers and hospitals to welcome my friends' new babies, but it was hard. Without exception, it was hard. Stay sensitive to your infertile friend's emotions, and give her the leeway that she needs to be happy for you while she cries for herself. If she can't bring herself to hold your new baby, give her time. She isn't rejecting you or your new baby; she is just trying to work her way through her pain to show sincere joy for you. The fact that she is willing to endure such pain in order to celebrate your new baby with you speaks volumes about how much your friendship means to her.

Don't Treat Them Like They Are Ignorant
For some reason, some people seem to think that infertility causes a person to become unrealistic about the responsibilities of parenthood. I don't follow the logic, but several people told me that I wouldn't ache for a baby so much if I appreciated how much responsibility was involved in parenting.

Let's face it-no one can fully appreciate the responsibilities involved in parenting until they are, themselves, parents. That is true whether you successfully conceived after one month or after 10 years. The length of time you spend waiting for that baby does not factor in to your appreciation of responsibility. If anything, people who have been trying to become pregnant longer have had more time to think about those responsibilities. They have also probably been around lots of babies as their friends started their families.

Perhaps part of what fuels this perception is that infertile couples have a longer time to "dream" about what being a parent will be like. Like every other couple, we have our fantasies-my child will sleep through the night, would never have a tantrum in public, and will always eat his vegetables. Let us have our fantasies. Those fantasies are some of the few parent-to-be perks that we have-let us have them. You can give us your knowing looks when we discover the truth later.

Don't Gossip About Your Friend's Condition
Infertility treatments are very private and embarrassing, which is why many couples choose to undergo these treatments in secret. Men especially are very sensitive to letting people know about infertility testing, such as sperm counts. Gossiping about infertility is not usually done in a malicious manner. The gossipers are usually well-meaning people who are only trying to find out more about infertility so they can help their loved ones.

Regardless of why you are sharing this information with someone else, it hurts and embarrasses your friend to find out that Madge the bank teller knows what your husband's sperm count is and when your next period is expected. Infertility is something that should be kept as private as your friend wants to keep it. Respect your friend's privacy, and don't share any information that your friend hasn't authorized.

Don't Push Adoption (Yet)
Adoption is a wonderful way for infertile people to become parents. (As an adoptive parent, I can fully vouch for this!!) However, the couple needs to work through many issues before they will be ready to make an adoption decision. Before they can make the decision to love a "stranger's baby," they must first grieve the loss of that baby with Daddy's eyes and Mommy's nose. Adoption social workers recognize the importance of the grieving process. When my husband and I went for our initial adoption interview, we expected the first question to be, "Why do you want to adopt a baby?" Instead, the question was, "Have you grieved the loss of your biological child yet?" Our social worker emphasized how important it is to shut one door before you open another.

You do, indeed, need to grieve this loss before you are ready to start the adoption process. The adoption process is very long and expensive, and it is not an easy road. So, the couple needs to be very sure that they can let go of the hope of a biological child and that they can love an adopted baby. This takes time, and some couples are never able to reach this point. If your friend cannot love a baby that isn't her "own," then adoption isn't the right decision for her, and it is certainly not what is best for the baby.

Mentioning adoption in passing can be a comfort to some couples. (The only words that ever offered me comfort were from my sister, who said, "Whether through pregnancy or adoption, you will be a mother one day.") However, "pushing" the issue can frustrate your friend. So, mention the idea in passing if it seems appropriate, and then drop it. When your friend is ready to talk about adoption, she will raise the issue herself.

So, what can you say to your infertile friends? Unless you say "I am giving you this baby," there is nothing you can say that will erase their pain. So, take that pressure off of yourself. It isn't your job to erase their pain, but there is a lot you can do to lesson the load. Here are a few ideas.

Let Them Know That You Care
The best thing you can do is let your infertile friends know that you care. Send them cards. Let them cry on your shoulder. If they are religious, let them know you are praying for them. Offer the same support you would offer a friend who has lost a loved one. Just knowing they can count on you to be there for them lightens the load and lets them know that they aren't going through this alone.

Remember Them on Mother's Day
With all of the activity on Mother's Day, people tend to forget about women who cannot become mothers. Mother's Day is an incredibly painful time for infertile women. You cannot get away from it-There are ads on the TV, posters at the stores, church sermons devoted to celebrating motherhood, and all of the plans for celebrating with your own mother and mother-in-law.

Mother's Day is an important celebration and one that I relish now that I am a mother. However, it was very painful while I was waiting for my baby. Remember your infertile friends on Mother's Day, and send them a card to let them know you are thinking of them. They will appreciate knowing that you haven't "forgotten" them.

Support Their Decision to Stop Treatments
No couple can endure infertility treatments forever. At some point, they will stop. This is an agonizing decision to make, and it involves even more grief. Even if the couple chooses to adopt a baby, they must still first grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes.

Once the couple has made the decision to stop treatments, support their decision. Don't encourage them to try again, and don't discourage them from adopting, if that is their choice. Once the couple has reached resolution (whether to live without children, adopt a child, or become foster parents), they can finally put that chapter of their lives behind them. Don't try to open that chapter again.

A different option...?

Has anyone ever had acupuncture done?  It's an idea that has been mentioned to us multiple times, but until lately we've never really given it much thought...  After just few minutes on good ol' Google I've discovered it seems to be a legitimate therapy for our situation...  But I'm still curious to talk to someone who has experienced it first hand...  It's not completely covered by our insurance, so it's not cheap... but still significantly less than IVF and may be a cure, instead of a temporary fix.  I'll post a few of the links that I've found on the subject- any opinions are more than appreciated!

http://www.acupuncturebydrlee.com/Acupuncture-infertility-male.html

http://www.babycenter.com/404_can-acupuncture-boost-my-fertility_1403253.bc

Of course there's like, a million other articles... these are just the first few that I've come across... 

On a side note...  Since beginning his blog just a few months ago it's been brought to my attention that not everyone views IVF, or any fertility treatments, as the blessing that I do.  I've been surprised at the way people have reacted to our situation, and while I will always accept differing opinions, I do ask that some opinions be kept private.  This is a painful experience, and one that I don't expect everyone to understand, particularly if fertility is something you've never struggled with, please keep that in mind before you comment on our situation, whether that be in person or over the internet. 

Side Note...

   This isn't fertility related, but it's been consuming my life lately and I need to get it out...

    One of my employees at work has recently had to take a leave of absence because the doctors just told her husband he only has a few weeks left to live...  I know most people in this situation would be sad for them, maybe send some flowers, and get back to life.... but I can't.  It's weighing on my heart like a ton of bricks... I guess that's the down side to caring so much... This couple has been together since high school.  She lived with her parents until the day she married him and they've been side by side ever since.  They've raised 2 amazing sons and worked so hard, she is just a few months away from retirement and now she'll have to spend it missing him...
    My heart is aching so badly for this woman, she seems so strong and yet so sad at the same time.  I can't help but think about how much I love my own husband and how blessed I am to have him in my life.  It seems so unfair, for lack of better word, to take such a kind, genuine man back to heaven so soon... he seems to be okay with it, he's at peace- and I thank God for that... but it's her that I'm sad for...   I just hope that she knows how much the people around her care for her...

That's all, I just needed to get it all down...  Thanks

Hurting Heart

I'm not usually one to get into religion or political discussions, but I came across this article today and it seemed hurtful and insensitive to those of us who are going through infertility issues...

 http://ca.news.yahoo.com/pope-tells-couples-shun-artificial-procreation-says-arrogance-140904869.html

I don't mean to upset anyone who might agree with whats being said in this article... I just thought I'd share since it hit pretty close to home in our house...  

I feel like many people in this world don't understand the pain that infertility can cause... Casual comments are made that can be infinitely more hurtful than anyone could imagine...  Suggestions are offered, trying to be helpful, but in reality they can be heartbreaking...  In many ways I understand that people might be uncomfortable discussing infertility, and I would never want anyone to feel that way... But I hope that someday the topic is more main stream and that solutions might become available for everyone, at reasonable costs...

Reminders of Why...

As we go through life things can seem to get lost in the whirl-wind that is our day... Sometimes, in the middle of a busy work day this can be a blessing, when a stack of paperwork gets done seemingly quickly, or a line of customers gets taken care of in the blink of an eye.  For me, the last few weeks have flown by but, as crazy as things get I never seem to be able to forget the empty extra room down the hall...  Things seem to get difficult sometimes... but tonight I saw a simple TV commercial that reminded me what we're fighting for... it might sound silly... the marketing department at Subaru of all places could restore my fighting spirit for a little bit longer... I thought I'd share the clip... you might think I'm crazy or... you might like it... either way- here it is...!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hvx3YX09N6Y&feature=plcp&context=C3cb2d65UDOEgsToPDskKmce7szH5160OmCbxMAkF1

Thank You

"A friend is one who believes in you when you have ceased to believe in yourself..."

     Over the past few weeks I have been truly blown away by the amount of love and support we've received from all over the world.  After so many years struggling with our fertility issues it is easy for me to sometimes get bogged down in the details and facts and to loose sight of our goals.  Throughout all of it I have had an amazing group of women from around the world, supportive parents, and 2 of the best friends I girl could ever ask for, reminding me that it will all be worth it in the end.  Over the last week or so they have truly outdone themselves...  

     My two best friends recently started their own blogs about our journey and have begun a raffle in our honor.  It's only been on for 2 days and already I'm overwhelmed at the amount of support and love I feel from these blogs and their fundraiser. I plan on sending out Thank You notes to all of the contributors, but I wanted to take this opportunity to say thank you from the bottom of my heart... I can't believe the kindness we have been showed over the last few days.  Thank you...

Just an Idea

Today I did something I don't do a whole lot... mostly because I find it a waste of money and emotions... but I had an extra one lying around so... I took a pregnancy test.  It was negative, if it'd been positive you probably would have heard my screams from where ever you are.  The thing I've decided though is that digital tests aren't very friendly... It's just a "pregnant" or "not pregnant".  They should make a test that says, "YAY!!" or "maybe next month".  Somehow looking down at this just isn't reassuring...

 

I Will Try Again Tomorrow...

This week has been a whirlwind of emotions and activities for us.  As I sit here now, on a Saturday morning, basking in the elusive Seattle sunshine, I can't help but be thankful that God has gotten me through to this moment.  Monday started off like any other Monday, a little bit of a struggle (an on going issue with an employee) but all in all, OK.  Tuesday, however, was a bit less conventional...

We began Tuesday with the rude sound of an alarm clock an hour earlier than normal so we could beat traffic and get to our first IVF consultation.  In the 45 minutes that it took us to get to the medical office I had chewed off nearly all my fingernails, not a habit I'm particularly proud of... When we got there they had us fill out a mountain of paperwork and then completed a quick health check.  After that we were ushered into an office to wait.   Soon, we were greeted by our doctor, Dr. Davis.  Like I've mentioned in previous posts I've had mixed emotions about our fertility doctors in the past, but Dr. Davis immediately put me at ease.  One of the first things out her mouth was, "let's make you a baby".  She then asked us our story.  She just sat there and listened while Martin and I rattled on and on about our struggle, she was patient with me when I pulled out my binder of test results and vitamin regimens, she handed me a box of tissues when I got the the hard parts.  She was all in all, lovely, and she quickly picked up on my need to know every detail before I proceed.  After listening to what we had to say, she asked a few questions and explained, in detail, how the IVF process works.  She explained what medications I would be taking, how many days each step takes, and how long each procedure takes.  She said because of my age we had the best chances possible, a 75% chance of success with each cycle. (a win I desperately needed)  The most impactful part didn't come until the end though, when she told me that I could have a picture of my embryos before they're implanted.  That's when I fell apart.  It was a reaction I didn't expect from myself, I guess the image of me seeing our own baby, just a few days old, really struck the heart of our struggle.  I want to know my child from the moment they begin.  To imagine being able to see the blessing of our miracle baby just blew me away.  Even now, writing about that moment, makes my stomach flip flop and my heart jump.  After talking with Dr. Davis for  a while, we were introduced to the financial counselor... this is when the hard part of the day began...  It turns out the IVF procedure is about $3000 more than we'd originally been told, in total about $18,000 out of pocket.  We both sat at that desk completely heartbroken and hopeless at that moment.  We could see our sweet baby slipping farther and farther away from us with every figure the financial counselor set in front of us.  After that we were sent to a conference room where a nurse explained, again, what IVF entailed and gave us all our options...  Two and half hours later we left the office and slowly made our way to the car.  The second the car door closed I, again, fell apart.  Even Martin, who almost never lets his colors show when I'm hurting, could only sit there and stroke my hair. 
 After that moment, my day just spiraled out of control from there...Work got crazier and crazier and I found myself just trying to get through each moment without crying or screaming. 

And now, here I am, sitting in the sunshine reassuring myself that God never gives us more than we can handle... sometimes I just wish he didn't trust me so much...

A different type of leap..

As a woman struggling with infertility it is inevitable, unless I live under a rock, that I will come into contact with pregnant women and young children on a daily basis.  Most days the mere sight of a pregnant woman triggers my jealousy and seeing a baby makes me long for the day when I have a sweet baby of my own.  Lately, I've been introduced to the idea of "leap lists".  A leap list is a list of things you would like to accomplish before the next big event in life occurs (weddings, babies, etc...)  The idea of a leap list seems like a fun way to accomplish certain goals before they get lost in life.  I don't really have a leap list, but thinking about the things I would like to accomplish makes me think of all the things I may be missing because I am too fixated on our infertility mess that we've found ourselves in.  So, I've decided, while my #1 goal is still to have a baby of my own a.s.a.p., I am going to enjoy my time with my husband.  I don't want to wish away our time together.  So, today I took my first step...

 We went to the zoo today!  I have, in the past, avoided places like the zoo because it is notoriously a place for young children.  I was afraid my jealousy would ruin our outing, but once I gave myself a little pep talk and focused on my time with Martin, we had a really great time.  Part of me feels almost guilty for enjoying myself so much today, I have spent the last 3 1/2 years focused on making our twosome a threesome... But mostly I feel blessed to have such a wonderful husband, and it makes me excited to bring our baby into a family so filled with love some day.

Inspiration

I have always been a pretty musical person... I usually find I can express what I'm feeling through a song of some sort...  There is one song specifically that has gotten me through this journey this far... in fact, I named this blog after it.  I thought I'd share the song as it can probably fit in to anyone's situation and it always gives me a little extra push to get through the rough times...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u1JBSQMkQEo&ob=av2e

I also wanted to include the lyrics in my post because, to me, they're the most important part.

Everybody falls sometimes
Gotta find the strength to rise
From the ashes and make a new beginning
Anyone can feel the ache
You think it’s more than you can take
But you're stronger, stronger than you know
Don’t you give up now
The sun will soon be shining
You gotta face the clouds
To find the silver lining

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do

It doesn’t matter what you’ve heard
Impossible is not a word
It’s just a reason for someone not to try
Everybody’s scared to death
When they decide to take that step
Out on the water
It’ll be alright
Life is so much more
Than what your eyes are seeing
You will find your way
If you keep believing

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do

Overcome the odds
You don't have a chance
When the world says you can’t
It’ll tell you that you can!

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do
That's what faith can do!
Even if you fall sometimes
You will have the strength to rise

Snowy Days

For the last week Washington State has been in the middle of a huge ice/snow storm which has meant a lot of time inside, which means plenty of time to research.  I have discovered many resources for couples experiencing infertility over the years, but this is the first time in a while I've had long, extended periods of time to really explore them. 

As far as researching facts, I've pretty much got that part covered... I don't think there is one more book, pamphlet, or article that could tell me something I don't already know...  But what i did find this week was inspiring stories and research that is currently being done on the subject.  A friend emailed me this article about some exciting research that is being done with male infertility: 

http://todayhealth.today.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2012/01/19/10191182-miracle-baby-born-from-single-frozen-sperm

I love stories like this because they reassure my heart that miracles do happen.  I was raised to believe that every baby is a blessing and a miracle, but I feel like the family in this article truly experienced a miracle.  When people think about infertility it is easy to think of it as just a woman's issue, but articles like this remind us that male infertility is an issue as well, and research like this, while few and far between at times, is key.

During my extended research sessions I also came across a site run by Conceive Magazine where they often post articles specific to couples struggling with infertility.  I found this article particularly interesting because it addresses a huge concern I have when it comes to IVF...

http://www.conceiveonline.com/articles/doing-embryo-transfer-what-may-help-you-avoid-miscarriage

 I could go on and on posting millions of links that I've found helpful in the past few days, but I've been sitting at the computer for a while now and the fresh snow is calling my name... 

  

Things have gotten so cold here this leaf froze just like this!

brrrr!

In the Begining...

  Ever since I can remember I've had my life planned out.  I have always been very careful and calculated, never wanting to rock the boat.  At age 8 I had put together a solid plan to build an extra room on to our house and had even called and gotten estimates from contractors in our area. By the age of 10 I had my wedding planned, complete with a giant binder filled with quotes from florists and certain types of dresses I wanted to look at.  When ever I had a goal I got down to business and made it happen.  I've been lucky that way, always having a family who believed in me.  So, when I met Martin he fit perfectly into my little plan.  When he proposed in 2007 I could practically see our life together unfolding in front of us before he had even slipped the ring on my finger.  As soon as I got home I got my wedding binder out and began making appointments.  It was going to be perfect.  Have you ever noticed that when we make plans, God sends us a reminder that He's in charge after all?
    
      Martin and I got married a year later in a perfect garden ceremony surrounded by friends and family.  We couldn't wait to start a family of our own and decided that it would be a priority in our lives from then on.  When I didn't get pregnant right away we didn't worry too much.  I was disappointed, but Martin was strong and reassuring.  I remember hearing that a friend from high school was pregnant a few months after our wedding and I was heartbroken.  I think that was the first time I caught a glimpse of the pain of infertility.  After about a year of trying on our own (it isn't as easy as they say it is in high school health class) my best friend talked me in to talking to my doctor.  Hesitantly, I made the appointment and was soon face to face with the reality of our situation.  It was hard to get anyone to take us seriously, a 20 year old with infertility issues isn't exactly something people think is an problem.  After one particularly uncomfortable appointment I actually had a doctor tell me to "relax and get a kitten".  Even now, two years later, thinking of those hurtful words makes me so angry.  Eventually, 4 appointments and two doctors later, we got referred to a Fertility Specialist.  We met with them the very next week and began testing.  Soon we found out that 1 in 6 couples suffer from infertility in the United States and, lucky us, we were one of them.  Once we sat down with the specialist they explained to us that we had a 1% chance of conceiving on our own.  Needless to say my heart dropped.  After a few days of feeling sorry for myself we called the office and made an appointment to go in and talk about our options.  They got us in the next day and we laid out a plan.  The next 5 months were filled with ovulation tests and early morning trips to the doctors office.  We went through 4 cycles in Inter-uterine Insemination (IUI) with no hormone stimulation.  After the fourth failed cycle they put me on a drug called Clomid.  I was only able to do two cycles with clomid before it took such an emotional toll on me that they decided to take me off of it.  After clomid, they gave me one cycle of injectables.  So, every night for a week Martin had to give me a shot in my stomach and at the end of the week I went in for the procedure and after the ultra sound they decided they couldn't proceed because I had "hyper-ovulated", which often times results in multiples (triplets, etc...).  After that we sat back down with the doctor to reassess our game plan.  That was the day InVitro Fertlization (IVF) came into the picture.  IVF is a very expensive ($15,000) procedure that is almost never covered by insurance. Unfortunately, after many specialists and second, third, and fourth opinions IVF is our best chance of conceiving a child of our own. That was nearly two years ago.  Since then we haven't tried any more procedures, instead we've decided to save our money for IVF. 

    I am not writing this blog to make anyone feel sorry for us, and I'm not writing to just show our private life to the world.  Instead, I am hoping that this blog will follow us through the IVF process and then the pregnancy to follow.  It is my hope that if there is anyone else out there going through this heartache that they will read this and find hope in what I have to say.  I hope to be the girl that reminds people that
....impossible is not a word, it's just a reason for someone not to try...